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Tomorrow is my eldest's birthday -- thinking about that day, 35 years ago -- it's really hard to get my head around the amount of time that represents. It's a challenge when you live a continent away from the ones you love. My personal bad habits of just dropping in, stopping by, drop of a hat type of visiting really doesn't work at a distance - and as time goes by and when those moments hit you just how long a time has gone past without a touch base -- well, extra feelings spill over. It's half of her lifetime -- that we've been on oposite sides of the country - half of her lifetime. When i think of all the people I've been over my own lifetime -- all the things I've tried, reveled in, rolled in, gotten distracted from and moved on from -- it occurs that she's doing the same.... we miss so much of each other.
The distance that M and I live together with -- being together, but separate, not in each other's pockets, not needing to call daily if one of us is out of town -- it's spilled over into how I parent. I'm equally separate from T, and he's still tethered by my supplying rent$ and car in$, and phone plan, and medical in$. That A is living with us -- and yet that work on the tiny house continues moving right along, combined now with work on the used-to-be-chicken-shed now turned 4 season studio (insulated walls and floors, powered, and tiled and ready to poke a ceiling stack for a chimney pipe and the cast iron stove - so heated, too -- she'll be out across the yard as soon as she can manage that -- my tribe that was so noisy and busy and kept me hopping is still a tribe, to be sure -- but, I'm not in their back pocket either -- .
I'm noticing I'm spending some weird on off time thinking about my dad -- I don't know that I know how to properly mourn. I'm divided on how my relationships with my siblings isn't -- it certainly isn't anything like my mom's with her siblings was. While I had a good time on the cruise with S&D, the amounts of alcohol interfered if I got to realizing when I was/wasn't trying to keep up; and how I feel about that. What is it that drives a person to self medicate to those amounts? Hungover certainly isn't fun -- and as we age, we recognize that path to hungoverness when we're on it -- cannot blame ignorance. Anyway --
I indeed did hand in notice to AJoy and have withdrawn from those weekly trips on the ferry, in a hurry-scurry. I did a drive up to Sequim and gave Grand Olympics a try -- They do a LOT of sing outs, and yes they are only a C (if that) level chorus compared to the nearly constant consistent A level I was used to -- still -- could be fun, and it's on this side of the water. I am sad I caught N sideways on resigning -- I for sure thought she'd see that handwriting -- my emotional responses to family responsibilities quagmires me at times -- and I don't want to continue being that hamster on the running wheel never having the time to breathe, to smell, to notice all the things, to close my eyes and ahhhhhhhhhhh.
Anyway -- perhaps I'll be writing more here --
The distance that M and I live together with -- being together, but separate, not in each other's pockets, not needing to call daily if one of us is out of town -- it's spilled over into how I parent. I'm equally separate from T, and he's still tethered by my supplying rent$ and car in$, and phone plan, and medical in$. That A is living with us -- and yet that work on the tiny house continues moving right along, combined now with work on the used-to-be-chicken-shed now turned 4 season studio (insulated walls and floors, powered, and tiled and ready to poke a ceiling stack for a chimney pipe and the cast iron stove - so heated, too -- she'll be out across the yard as soon as she can manage that -- my tribe that was so noisy and busy and kept me hopping is still a tribe, to be sure -- but, I'm not in their back pocket either -- .
I'm noticing I'm spending some weird on off time thinking about my dad -- I don't know that I know how to properly mourn. I'm divided on how my relationships with my siblings isn't -- it certainly isn't anything like my mom's with her siblings was. While I had a good time on the cruise with S&D, the amounts of alcohol interfered if I got to realizing when I was/wasn't trying to keep up; and how I feel about that. What is it that drives a person to self medicate to those amounts? Hungover certainly isn't fun -- and as we age, we recognize that path to hungoverness when we're on it -- cannot blame ignorance. Anyway --
I indeed did hand in notice to AJoy and have withdrawn from those weekly trips on the ferry, in a hurry-scurry. I did a drive up to Sequim and gave Grand Olympics a try -- They do a LOT of sing outs, and yes they are only a C (if that) level chorus compared to the nearly constant consistent A level I was used to -- still -- could be fun, and it's on this side of the water. I am sad I caught N sideways on resigning -- I for sure thought she'd see that handwriting -- my emotional responses to family responsibilities quagmires me at times -- and I don't want to continue being that hamster on the running wheel never having the time to breathe, to smell, to notice all the things, to close my eyes and ahhhhhhhhhhh.
Anyway -- perhaps I'll be writing more here --
